Germs: Zim's POV
by Jaywings
Summary: The episode Germs, written from Zim's POV.


World-conquering is hard stuff.

Oh, not too hard for an _Invader_, of course. It's just, it's a challenge… so different from training… oh yes, so different. It drains you. Mm-hm. That's why Invaders are the elite of the Elite. Not everyone can handle so much pressure! (I can handle more than most.) Of course, we all need to take breaks. Short ones. To recharge. Relax.

…Not that this is _relaxing_. It's some movie GIR wanted to watch. Some human thing. It's about war, I think… GIR seems to like watching war movies, which may be one of the only things he does right. But this film is worse than the usual ones he watches. It's about humans fighting aliens and it's _highly _unrealistic! No alien species looks anything like these _things _that the humans created for this movie!

"What are we going to do?" one of the humans in the movie says. "In only a matter of hours the alien scourge will bring the human race to its knees!"

It won't take _hours_, you fool. As unrealistic as these creatures are they will destroy the pathetic human race in minutes.

The meaningless dialogue in the movie continues as another person says, "I know! Let's build a giant space station, evacuate all the people, and live among the stars!"

"There's not enough time for that!" the first human argues.

The second one looks at him hopefully. "Can we build a _small_ station… and just evacuate all the scientists?" Everyone in the room grins approvingly.

Hm. I was a scientist once, you know. On planet Vort. That was fun. I made things and brought much destruction!

The movie goes on, with the scientists talking stupidly to each other; a female human comes onscreen, says stuff, and… did she just sneeze into a tube? _Disgusting_… oh, and the alien explodes, pathetic creature…

The female scientist looks at the others. "The aliens are _allergic_… to GERMS!" She points to a chalkboard where the word "GERMS" is scrawled. The movie transitions to soldiers marching across a plain, where they proceed to sneeze, yes, _sneeze_, on the army of advancing alien creatures. The creatures then bulge and explode into piles of goo.

Well, that's… inventive.

Text appears onscreen, reading "Hooray for Earth." Hmph.

"Hooray for Earth!" GIR cheers. He's sitting next to me on the couch.

I frown. "GIR! Earth is our enemy!"

"I understand," GIR says. I'm not sure he actually does but I decide not to bother saying anything about it.

"Stupid human propaganda," I mutter. "The very concept of a superior alien species being felled by something as pathetic as _germs_ is sheer fantasy! Do they really believe that could happen?" I laugh. GIR joins in and I'm glad he sees things from my point of view. Although, my laughter is admittedly a bit forced… something about this movie doesn't sit right with me. Perhaps I should look into it.

I stop laughing and hop up from the couch, taking the elevator down and hurrying to my lab. My computer will know the answer to this. Quickly I open Sproogle and type in "germs on enemy planets." There won't be any search results. It's just propaganda. Germs are a human invention that have no affect on alien life! If they existed, I would be able to _see_ them! It's just propaganda!

Contrary to my expectations there _is_ a search result, and it opens automatically.

"Trying to conquer an alien world?" an automated voice asks. "Remember, never underestimate the small threats… like GERMS!"

_Germs?_

"Yes, germs," the voice goes on. "Every planet has them, and many an invading life form has been thwarted by these invisible enemies."

I gasp in horror. "It's true!"

"So whether you are out conquering worlds or are just concerned about these tiny pests, make sure you're prepared with a pair of germ-spotting micro goggles. Click here for a free five second demo."

Hm, advertising. But it sounds authentic. And this is something I NEED! Invisible enemies? This is no good. I must know everything. See everything.

I touch my finger to the symbol flickering on the monitor. A little jingle plays and a panel opens. A beam comes from the ceiling and the goggles that had been shown on the computer appear, becoming solid.

"Ooh, neat!" The show of technology brightens my spirits. I pick up the goggles and slip them over my eyes. It's, hm, kind of a tight fit. Not very comfortable. But comfort is a small sacrifice when it comes to conquering a planet! Straightening up and turning around in my chair, I announce, "Now, let's see this mighty human threat!"

"Demo mode activated," the computer says. And then it's chaos.

They're everywhere. Irk, they're… they're _EVERYWHERE_. They cover every surface, squirming, writhing, horrible disgusting little green germs that until now had been completely invisible to me! ME! Unseen by Irken Invader Zim! It's impossible that they exist, and yet, it's true…! It's true it's true it's true it's true it's—There's a loud, terrible sound… I think it's me screaming… oh Irk I'm going to die… I'M GOING TO _DIE…_

And then the goggles vanish from my face. And the germs seemingly disappear. But… they're still there. All around me. I know it. I can feel them now. They're just… _invisible_, once again. I draw my knees to my chest and shiver convulsively.

"Wasn't that neat?" the computer says, echoing my earlier exclamation. "Thank you for trying micro goggles. If you like what you saw, please order the full version."

If I _like _what I saw? THIS IS THE FARTHEST THING FROM "LIKE"! I DO NOT LIKE! GERMS! EVERYWHERE! But without the goggles I can't see the filthy creatures, even with my amazing eyes. And they're c-c-closing in… Shaking, I turn in my chair and press my hand on the screen.

The computer sounds satisfied as it says, "_Thank you._ Please wait for delivery."

These goggles can't come soon enough.

* * *

Less than half an hour later, though it feels like much longer, my package arrives by meteor from planet Callnowia. The doorbell rings, announcing its arrival, and I hurry to the door. Ah, here it is at last! I pick up the box with napkins over my hands to protect them. No telling where this box has been, after all. I open it and burrow through it, pulling out the goggles and putting them on as I had in the lab. They turn on and the germs surrounding me once again pop into view.

AAAAAAHHHH! NO! This isn't what I wanted! Why are the germs still here? WHY AREN'T THEY GONE? I bat at the air, stand, struggle to maintain my balance. This is worse than it was in the lab! The infestation has gotten stronger!

"So… much… _filth_…" I gasp. With careful, hopping footsteps I make my way into the kitchen, open the closet, and pull out the few cleaning supplies that are kept there. Germ spray… highly useful, and I don't really know why I have it in the first place but under the circumstances I suppose it won't do to dwell on it; a mop; and a bucket of soapy water… who knows how long that's been there. It's probably GIR's doing in which case there's probably more in that bucket than soap and water. But I don't dwell on that, either. I have much cleaning to do!

I hop back into the living room toting my supplies, saying, "I never even suspected that the battle for the planet would ever take place in my own fortress!" And to the room in general, I shout, "Hear me now, GERMS! Prepare yourselves for destruction!"

For most of the rest of the day I clean, spray germ spray, and mop every surface and every piece of furniture in the house. The computer helps too, surprisingly. It uses robotic arms to clean things with me. How decent of it.

When I deem that the work is done I stand on the toilet and survey my territory, inhaling deeply, and then sigh with pleasure at the heavy scent of cleaner in the air. "Ah. The stink of clean!"

Although apparently I have celebrated too early because my goggles zoom in on the kitchen tiles, revealing a single germ that has escaped my wrath. I let out a scream—ugh, germs are _hideous!_ Typical that this infestation would be such a problem on this wretched planet! The germ doesn't last long. I spray it continually until my goggles confirm that it is dead and that the room is now germ-free.

I stand in triumph. "Another win for the Irken army! Clean, lemony fresh victory is mine!" Ah, victory is delicious. Although the room still smells terrible.

A door opens somewhere. I look over and see GIR, in his disguise, standing at the front door waving at something outside.

"Alright, see you later, pig!" he squeals. He closes the door and just sort of stands there looking at me. Only some kind of puddle is forming around him. What, has he wet himself agai—no no no no no it's _GERMS! _There's a puddle of _germs_ around him! They spread all over the base… my nice, clean, sanitized base….

"I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a little bit, kay?" GIR says. And then he proceeds to do just that, humming, and sliding around on the floor, what on Irk? I can't fathom what goes on in that robot's mind sometimes… AAAHH! He's still spreading germs!

"GIR, what are you doing?" I cry. "Stop immediately! You're _disgusting!_"

GIR stops rolling. He sits up and grins at me. "Aw, somebody needs a hug!"

"No-no-no-no-no GIR, no!" I almost fall over myself trying to scramble backwards away from him but he's advancing on me, germ-covered and horrible.

"I'm gonna _hug_ yoooouuuu," he says.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I make for the door. It's the only thing I can do. I only stop running when I escape through the front door and reach the end of the walkway outside, where I turn and look back at the house.

I release a long, drawn out scream—the house, the yard, the walkway, _everything_, is completely and totally covered in germs. It's much, much worse than it ever was inside. I spray the air with my germ-killing stuff, hoping that will do something.

"The enemy… _regrouping!_" I gasp. "Worse… than I thought!" Why are they _everywhere? _Why are they so elusive? What will happen if I _touch _one? I have to scuttle about and drench the ground in cleaning solution to keep the treacherous germs away from me. I need to get back to the house. Yes, if I stay out here much longer I'll die… I spray the ground in front of me and step one foot into that area, then repeat the process over and over until I reach the house once more. I open it and step inside—and slam it behind me.

Only GIR's still there. I'd forgotten about him. Cheerfully, he says, "I've still got a hug in me!"

I scream again. "Computer, get GIR out of here!" I shout. The floor around GIR lowers and he disappears from view. Seconds later I watch through the window as a tree grows up in the front yard, with GIR tied to it with a leash. All right. Good. He'll be out of the way for awhile.

I head down into the lab and open another closet, where a box of safety stuff is stashed. I root through it. Let's see… shower cap, stretch that over my head to protect my antennae… gloves, ooh, those'll protect my gloves, definitely pull those on… a pair of—what are these called? Suspenders? Eh, I'm sure they'll be good for something. I put them on as well. I leave the germ goggles on and reach over to the other side of the closet, pulling out two boxes of tissues. It takes only a second to rip them open and slip them over my feet for extra protection. There, I feel safer from the germs already!

Although… there are germs all over the lab. I—I hadn't thought of cleaning down here… I run to the middle of the floor, soaking the air with germ spray again. They're still all over the place… have to get rid of them…

"Not gonna get me," I mutter. "Germs, chewing my squeedily-spooch. Not my squeedily-spooch, you don't!" I take a shuddering breath. "What about the mission? What about the mission? I should report in but the germs… 'splodey germs. So many germs!" I can't end up like those creatures in the movie—it was a work of fantasy but the computer had said it was possible… "The mission! The mission! I have a job to do! I… am an _Invader!_ I can't let these germs make me lose sight of the bigger MISSION! …Skool… The Skool will know I've been missing! They must be really suspicious by now! And I haven't reported to the Tallest in too long… They will be worried about me! _Mustn't _alarm them!"

I hurry to the console and set up a video link with the Tallest. It takes a moment, but then I finally hear Tallest Purple say, "Yes, what is it now, Zim?"

The two Tallests appear onscreen. I salute. "Sirs. I apologize for not reporting in, but—" …There are germs on the wall. I can see them. "E-excuse me," I say hurriedly, running over and blasting the monsters with germ spray. I come back in front of the monitor. Have to reassure the Tallest. I can handle anything… "All is going well, nothing too big to report aside from the usual—AAH! Would you look at the size of that one!" I spray the air with the can once more, but the steady stream fizzes out and only a little spurt emerges. This… this can't be happening. "No! No!" I choke. "I'm almost out of disinfectant! All hope will be lost if I don't get more! _NEVER! _But… I'm not giving up!" I point at the germs, unseen by the Tallest, that surround me. "I'll DESTROY YOU! And you! And YOOOUUU!"

My computer cuts the transmission before I do. That's a relief. Another few seconds and the Tallest may have found out that something was going on. But anyway, I must get more cleaning supplies now. And GIR is the only one who can help me.

I head back upstairs and outside, where GIR is running around the tree on his leash.

"GIR!" I snap. GIR comes to a halt and looks at me. I head over to him. "Pay attention, GIR. We have to go to the store to pick up some more cleaning things. I need as much as I can get so you'll have to help me carry stuff."

I spray GIR in the face with some of my remaining germ spray. I groan. "Ugh, you're still so germy! But… it'll have to do." I unhook GIR from the tree, taking the leash. "I need to save some of this for the trip. Come, GIR!"

I head off down the sidewalk, pulling GIR behind me with the leash. It's a long trip. And there's germs everywhere. Disgusting, horrible, 'splodey germs… The sun starts to go down and I can't help wondering if germs increase in power at night like those paranormal-y ghost thingies the Dib keeps yakking about.

Oh, and there's the store. Good.

"Look, there it is!" GIR says. He tries to run to the store but I pull him back and spray the disinfectant around, although only a little comes out of the can. GIR snatches it from my hand. "Lemme try!"

"No, GIR! THE GERMS!" I scream.

GIR shakes the can but then looks over at something across the street—it's the filthy fast food restaurant, MacMeaties. GIR runs across the street to it. He's still got the disinfectant!

"My germ spray!" I cry. "GIR! Come back!" I chase after him, pausing in the middle of the street and then continuing on. I don't want to go to MacMeaties. It's a terrible place. But I need my germ spray! I head inside and immediately see that I had every right to be hesitant. Germs cover every surface. Everywhere, all over the food, in people's mouths, there's a woman over there, she's got a giant germ in a baby seat, and she's _kissing_ it…

Involuntarily I back away and crash into something. Turning around, I see that it's a human woman.

"Are you next in line?" she asks. She's covered in germs, too. I gasp and slowly back away from her, shivering.

"Horror…" I say shakily. I bump into something else, and upon turning around I see that it's GIR. "GIR! The disinfectant! Where is it?"

GIR shrugs. "I lost it."

…_Already?_

GIR reaches behind his back. For a moment I think that he's going to pull out the can of germ spray, but, no. He pulls out a greasy burger. "Wanna bite?"

I leap under a table… but something about the burger catches my eye. I peer back out at it. "Wait a minute!"

GIR licks the burger. I climb out from under the table and take it from him, looking it over with my germ goggles. "There are no germs on this thing!" Even after lifting the top bun, I can't spot any filth besides a dead fly on the meat. But who cares about that? "Completely germ free!"

There are other people around with burgers. I run around and scan them as well. They yield the same results. "How is this possible? How can this be?"

There's only one way to find out. I jump onto the counter with the cash register on it—unfortunately crashing into the ceiling first, ouch—and land in front of an old man who I suppose works here.

I point at him. "You! Burger lord! How is it that this meat is so pure, so perfect?"

The man looks like he's been waiting to tell this story for a long time, although his expression doesn't change much. "Well, it all started in 1962," he says. "Utilizing advances in modern food synthesis, scientists at NASA began work on a germ hostile space meeeaaat… to be used for long expeditions in DEEP SPACE. Only recently has their hard work paid off."

…What does this have to do with germs? I have no time for riddles! This is important!

The burger lord continues, "As even more advances in the field of space meeeaaat have been made and applied to what is now known as Operation Meeaaat. Seeing this as a way to end their streak of being sued by angry customers poisoned by their burgers, the MacMeaties corporation decided to try this miraculous space meeeaaat. Not having access to that technology, we make ours out of napkins." He gestures to a bin that is full to the brim with dirty napkins.

"Ingenious," I say. "This gives me an idea, greasy burger man. Yes! A way around the germs! A way I can resume my mission and deal with the germ enemy without bringing any attention to myself! Yes, yes! The answer is in the _meat!_"

I grab the burger lord by some things that dangle around his neck and pull him closer, hissing, "Give me all the meat!"

* * *

The next morning I head into class in my new germ suit, one made entirely of meat. I've coated it over my entire body. The class stares at me—marveling at my ingenuity, no doubt.

I smile at them. "How ya doin'!" I say. Nothing unusual here. These humans will notice nothing and I am safe.

I have vanquished my enemy—and I'm one step closer to vanquishing the Earth. Yes, world-conquering is hard. But I can handle anything!


End file.
